the calm before the storm?

It's really hard to fathom that just two weeks ago I was having some of the worst days of my life. The chemo and radiation had just finished and I was looking forward to feeling better instead of feeling fried.

But here we are just sixteen days later and I feel really good. I did make it to the Punkin Chunkin last weekend though I was pretty wiped out on Sunday afterwards. Through the week I've done a little work around the house and given in to my temptation to tinker with the BMW. And oh boy have I tinkered...

So far I have managed to cut out the majority of the carpeting and replace the drivers seat. The rear seat and trim panels are gone now and I will go after the decaying fuel lines through the service port back there. I got the heater core and supply tubes out under the dash and will be working on a bypass while I figure out which piece has failed (my money is on the heater control valve). I carefully extracted the trunk toolkit and factory alarm system from the car that some geek may be lusting over. Sometimes car guys get obsessive about original parts and options. Do you know the way to use eBay? (cue corny eBay music) I was not so careful chopping out what appears to be an antique carphone wiring harness. I believe (knock on wood) one of those two electrical items had shorted and was killing the battery. I will find out this weekend if the recharged battery dies again now they they're out of the car.

With all this newfound strength, there have been some rather melancholy moments. I know I have surgery approaching and I'm getting my ducks in a row to be comfortable and occupied while checked into the hospital.

One of those ducks is my iPod (ptui). I bought it after Jody and I went to Scotland and ran into a fellow using his to cache his digital camera pictures. I found a used one loaded with tons of tunes (over 14,000) but little in the way of music I know best. So, I've gradually loaded my own music onto it to keep me company when I'm in. I keep running across music that really moves me so I wanted to share one that especially speaks to me every time I hear it.

It's called "No Doubt" and it was recorded by Petra. Formerly the gold standard of Christian rock bands, the guys retired the band in 2005. This song was the title track to their album from waaay back in 1995 and it's about enduring, or rather passing those tests of faith that Life pops on us when we're not expecting it. Like rectal cancer. Facing surgery and more chemo and the liklihood of icy biting neuropathy through a Maryland winter, it's as if this song was written for me. (cue tears and Kleenex)

There are times when you feel like you can't go on
There are times when you feel like giving in
And there are times when you feel like you can't try anymore
There are times of trouble in believing
This test of your faith will last
As long as it takes to pass
Till you have no more doubt you'll endure
And your faith will emerge true and pure

No doubt it'll be alright
With God it'll work together for good
No doubt in the end it will be understood
No doubt it'll all work out
With faith He can move any mountain for us
No doubt in the power of Jesus
And after all is done we find out
All we really need to have is no doubt

There's a time to take a reckless leap of faith
There's a time to be cautious and to wait
And there's a way of learning from the past
That this time of trouble won't last
And sometimes we want to think we know
The ways He will choose to make us grow
But it's never the way of our choosing
And we can't always see what He's using

No doubt it'll be alright
With God it'll work together for good
No doubt in the end it will be understood
No doubt it'll all work out
With faith He can move any mountain for us
No doubt in the power of Jesus
And after all is done we find out
All we really need to have is no doubt

There will be winters in the seasons of our soul
With a cold and bitter wind that chills our lives
But our faith can be building a fire
That will warm us till springtime arrives

If you want to hear it and don't mind installing the Rhapsody player, it's track 5 here: http://www.rhapsody.com/petra/nodoubt

I need some tissues now. :')