The downside to sharing this way is things still come across very black and white even with the advent of emoticons; body language only so well represented through clever keystrokes.
You guys see me use this one a lot. ;) It's my way of cocking my head and winking to add emphasis to a point I'm making (writing). Unfortunately, I don't have any emoticons at the ready to convey the frustration of the perfect storm that struck this past week.
I reeeeally don't want to go into it here but let me assure everyone I'm not stopping my treatment. The thought crossed my mind and I've dwelt on it before because the plain fact is, I am utterly mortified of what seems to be coming to pass; a life lived in yo-yo cycles of chemo constantly stepping to one side and never getting anywhere. Or worse... slowly being picked apart, piece by piece. I already feel like less of a person, less of myself. That angers me more than I may have let on.
And though I know what matters is how I behave in response to feeling angry, I lose that battle with my self control because the Reality I often see ahead of me is one where there is no hope of ever breaking out. I feel trapped except to stop dodging the inevitable. I'm sorry for saying it, but it is the truth.
This is with me all the time and I know it salts what I say and do. That last blog was barely the tip of the iceberg.
Just do me a favor and pray for me and Jody right now. We need it.
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3 comments:
Hi John and Jody,
I found your blog thru' Ryan's. Emily, my daughter, had mentioned meeting your wife at the yarn shop, and what a comfort your wife was/is to Emily. I'm so very sorry you all are going thru' such touch times. I want you to know you are both in my prayers. I have half the Baptists (even though I'm not one)!!! in St. Augustine praying for Ryan and Emily...............you are now on the "list". MY thoughts and prayers are with you both.....Jill
Sco, you know that we love you guys a lot. We will be praying for you two. Remember you can do all things, through Christ, who gives you strength. I know you will never know why God choose you. Remeber that you have a voice and you need to use it for His Glory right now. Don't give up! He has a purpose and a plan. Hang in there!
John, I like black and white when it comes from you. Your eloquence, even when you are pissed, makes my day. Most of us keep this side of cancer in a deep, dark hole. We put on the :-) or just go o.O ....People don't want to hear about our desire to walk away from all the crap.
Treatment is a choice.
Only you can make your decisions. You rely on doctors and Jody and God to guide and support, but ultimately it is you who says "Let's go." You put feeling better now aside with the vision of being healthy later. Or not.
Quality vs. Quantity
You still light a fire under me with every entry here. I trust you to keep making the tough decisions. Drive your own course and don't let anyone force you off your track.
And gripe about it here all you want ;-p
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