Monday, June 2, 2008

taking back the blog

I made an honest mistake. I thought it would be helpful to someone else out there who may be dealing with this same cancer to see what I've been through. When the invitation came to join a blogger community that could be searched, I thought I'd join and get a little exposure; maybe help someone out. That's me.

But VerveEarth took over and I lost the ability to post. Until this gets fixed, I won't be using the service. One lengthy post at a particularly low point on my trek got lost and isn't even showing up as posted or draft saved anywhere. :(

People have emailed and asked in passing how it's going. To be honest, it's been hurting. A lot. I keep getting teased with days where I feel fantastic only to be sobbing a few hours later. This is the part of the rollercoaster I do not like... the wavy part. Give me the big drop I can see coming, any day. Just let me have a little time to prepare myself for what's next, please.

I hit a 10 on the pain scale earlier this week; shivering in shock and crying. :'( That allowed the insane idea of taking a dose of oxycodone sound reasonable. Trouble was, it didn't kick in any faster than the pain subsided on its own but I still got itchy all over and short tempered anyway. I need to flush the rest of those pills down the toilet.

I have a good idea of what and why there has been so much pain lately. And I am trying to execute a plan to help smooth things out. I am absolutely convinced the pain is an anal fissure that has not been able to heal on its own for a number of factors including being back on the chemo. I know my immune system is getting beat down with each hit so even just being careful with my diet and drinking LOTS of water is only going to do so much. I'm just hoping and praying I can keep up the fluid regimen and possibly keep any leftover chemo from concentrating on me as it passes through and knocking me down when I'm already weak.

I look at the calendar a lot lately and the weeks are counting down; just seven left now and four more rounds. Round nine starts day after tomorrow. Even though it's so close to the end, each one just towers over me blocking out anything I'm looking forward to and I lose it.

I do not want to go through this any more. :'(

But I don't really have a choice. :'(


James said...

Sco, I am glad you got your blog back. I know it has been pretty much a roller coaster for you. But you have gone through so much that I am sure with the help of Jody and your faith you will find the strength and will to make it through the final rounds.

Ruth said...

I'm a friend of Jody's - please know that I'm praying for you and thinking of you both.


Jana G said...

Believe it or not, you're reaching people you don't know and helping them. My girlfriend, Michele, has brain cancer and she said that reading your blog and knowing that she's not alone has been a comfort to her. So, thanks for continuing to tell us what's going on - even when you don't want to.

I know it sucks right now but your family (and your sense of humor) will pull through this. I just know it.

tinkknitz said...

Hear hear, for you helping out with brain cancer too.

Good to hear from you again! I worried about you. And Booooooo on VerveEarth. You are helpful to us "someone elses" who read your blog. And John, there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

(. . . and over at the Frankenstein place)