I feel bad that I haven't made a post in a week but I have really hit the skids. That last bit of fight I had was all that was left and, in the end, I didn't get what I wanted. Instead, I've got more drugs to handle the side effects and they are doing more and more to make me less of me than I want, despite trying to be conservative and scientific in how I watch myself taking them.
It seems the only thing I have left with enough oomph to squeeze out any more adrenaline is anger. When I get mad, I can do anything. I crash hard for it, but I get it done. This week it will be getting a prescription filled that poor Jody got chased from one pharmacy to another and could not get filled. I'm going back to the Kaiser pharmacist and if I get one breath of how they don't want to order it because it's liquid and they'll get stuck with it, I will go mental on them. Mental as in are you using your brains back there? What do I care if you have to order it? Order it. What do I care if you get stuck with the bottle after giving me what I've been prescribed? Are my premiums NOT already covering these costs? Your paycheck? The lovely building we're in? The overhead expenses of drugs going bad on your shelves? Isn't there a board of directors and shareholders making a profit off my premiums?
Order the damned stuff.
I wouldn't be so angry except for the fact that I'm in pretty much constant pain and have not yet been able to get out of it. I have seven more days of radiation left and then I can start feeling hopeful. I've been in tears every day for a week now for one thing or another though mostly it's just that one thing. Last week I couldn't understand why people would do illegal drugs; the kind of stuff that scrambles your brain into seeing things but this week I'll take it... or at least something to knock me out until the radiation effects calm down.
I am trying hard to hold on. I am so fried I just want it to stop.