Monday, September 10, 2007

Perspective

Today rather sucked as my days have gone by lately. I may be able to chalk a lot of it up to anxiety because Lord knows I woke up more than nervous.

I made a few slices of that peach crumble bread as toast, grabbed a bottle on Ensure, and a tall glass of water... to go with the four Xeloda pills. I spaced the out as I ate but only after staring them down and praying hard that I could do this.

I looked at them in the little Pyrex dish I used to keep my hands off of them. I'm afraid of handling them too much and passing their poison on to Jody or the dogs or someone else. I told them, "Okay, you're going to make me sick. But only so much." Jody woke up and I went to the top of the stairs to just hug her and cry for a bit because, well, I'm scared. I'm more afraid of the pills because I know I could just flush them instead of taking them. But if I do that, I will not get better. I have to get worse before I can get better.

A few hours later Jody and I arrived at the radiologist for my first radiation treatment today. That went okay with just a slight hiccup on when I would actually get my first treatment. The Xeloda was sitting just fine and my sense of humor was back. The technicians kept addressing me as Mr. Scofield, Mr. Scofield, and I finally said, laying prone on the table, "Listen, my pants are down. You guys can call me John. Okay?" That got a few laughs and I endured an itch on my ankle for... ev... er...

Jody took me to lunch at La Madelaine and I ordered too much. A little more than half a French Dip sandwich and a cup of soup went down easy but got me pretty tired by the time we got back home. The plan had been to split up and go to work.

But we called Dr. Grasso's office for some more advice on caring for the incision and the port. We could drop by any time and Jody did not want to get caught i rush hour traffic. As I went for the door, a wave of nausea struck me and I figured, this time, I'll take one of the pills I've been prescribed for this. Maybe the Xeloda isn't all that great after all?

Big mistake. The Compazine knocked me silly. I tried to ride it out in the truck but I was mroe falling asleep than not feeling ill. By the time we reached Dr. Grasso's, I was falling asleep in between steps. They got me back into the exam room and Dr. Grasso checked me out. The incision is not infected (a big worry) and the liquid skin stuff will come off on its own. My blood pressure was a little elevated and my heartrate was 100... he reckoned between the medicines and the anxiety that I'd worked myself up pretty good. Message received. Chill.

I prayed and dozed on the way home and crashed. I got a call from my pal Steven whom schemed his pal Nate into coming over this afternoon and sparing off the wheels on my car. Now I can drive in the rain safely. The summer tires coming off the front of the car are nearly done though the rear tires are in very fine shape. I should have rotated them between track days earlier this year but I seem to remember being really tired at those times...

The second round of chemo is down the hatch so Day One is complete. I think I may need to grab a small bag of black licorice instead of the Compazine to fight off any nausea. At least until I go to full time off and can afford to be wiped out for a day if I have to resort to the Compazine again.

I'd whined earlier what Day Fifty-Nine or Sixty would be like if Day One was this bad. However, I have two good legs and a faithful spouse on my path; two things I've learned two others whom I used to be close to no longer have in their lives. So I need to remind myself that this -is- my path and that it has been fortunate to not have been dragged on far longer than need be.

10 comments:

Beth said...

John,

I can't imagine how scared and nervous you must be as all of this treatment really begins to sink in. Know that it's OK to cry, get mad, be scared, whatever. God understands and He's big enough to handle it. Don't try to push yourself too hard; physically or emotionally. We love you! The kids are always asking about you and Jody.

Beth

laura said...

Candied Ginger is really good for nausea of you can stand the taste. I struggle with nausea a lot, and it usually helps me.

Anonymous said...

John,
I found your blog and wanted to say thank you for sharing. I too was diagnosed with cancer a few months ago and even though our treatments sound somewhat different the thoughts/feelings have been quite the same. You're right about one thing, it is scary! One thing I have learned through all of this that I will share with you is be strong, when you can, be brave, when you can but when you can't be those things allow the people around you who love you to take the upper hand and allow them to care for you. Cry when you need to and always remember there is a higher being watching over us. Please continue the blog! JWO from Georgia

bySarah said...

John,
I'm thinking of you.
Hope you feel less nausea today.

chacha said...

You're in my thoughts. I can't imagine what this must be like for you, but just take it a day at a time.

And I'll second ginger as a good natural nausea remedy. Health food stores usually sell ginger pills as a natural Dramamine, and the things work like a charm.

Scattered Gemini said...

Ginger is a wonder. We brew a ginger tea with fresh root and it helps with chest congestion really well. I had no idea it helps with nausea.

Jolene said...

Hugs John. It is going to be hard some days and some days are going to be better, you can do it.
Fresh ginger root (just a little slice or two) in some tea is easy on the stomach (check with your onc before taking anything as it may be an issue with your chemo). Zofran (nausa) and Zantac (tummy) can be other options.

GingerPyeJackson said...

Not for Nothing but Ginger didn't do a thing for me. Peppermint tea helped a lot. A man in my support group swore by Hybiscus Tea. (from Trader Joe's) Just throwing options out there. Hope it helps.

a month behind you said...

That whole "drugs passing through the skin" thing has me freaked out, John. The crazy thing that keeps going through my head is . . . skin, mucus membranes, body fluids. I know we probably won't feel like intimacy when treatment begins, but it still worries me. The thought of not touching my husband petrifies me.

Timon said...

Hi Sco!

Tien-Seng told me about what's going on when they were here, but it took me awhile to remember about the blog.

I don't know what to say, other than get well soon! Don't play too many video games while convalescing... they may seem like relaxing activity, but they make your heart race and are definitely not rest!

Good luck!