Thursday, September 20, 2007


It's 3:20am and I'm up because I woke up remembering that I hadn't taken my Xeloda last night. I turned on the laptop to check to see if I should take them anyway but Roche says no, just get back on schedule and tell my doctor.

Yesterday sucked so bad. I couldn't wake up and folded early letting Jody drive me to radiation. I had enough sense to take my pills with me for the wait in between while we had a bagel, but then left my phone sitting at the Bagel Bin. The 1" Power Port needles were all gone so my first genuine use of the port didn't happen. I wound up giving blood samples out of my left arm any way and wondering why they hell I even got the damned port. I'm not taking drip chemo (which I should be thankful for instead of bitching) nor do I have to carry a pump like other people.

We managed to get Jody's truck dropped off and within the hour got the obligatory are-you-an-idiot call from Mr. Tire claiming they "noticed" the truck needs over $600 worth of front brakes. Even in my sleepy stupor I'm not that stupid. I told the con artist for that kind of money I can put five sets of brakes on that truck and he was NOT authorized to work on the brakes. I swear, I want to scream at someone for this. It's Mr. TIRE, dumbass, not Mr. BRAKES.

This is of course while I'm trying to sleep but can't fall asleep and Verizon might be showing up. I checked again because I was sure they were a day late and should have come on Tuesday. I WAS RIGHT so I called Verizon to find out why they had missed their 8am-5am window for the original re-schedule. Jody had been fielding calls from some tech who said he would need to get inside the house to install boxes... but no fiber had been installed. I explained this to the schmuck on the phone that until a FIBER was actually buried in the yard, no tech would be able to install anything... a day late or not. Was a MONTH not long enough since the order had been placed to get this done? Get it done today or consider this order cancelled.

Within two hours the yard was filled with Verizon subcontractors, none of whom spoke English. To their credit they had the fiber under the street and buried in the yard with a very clean box at the edge of our yard. Comcast could learn a few things from these guys.

This is followed by a 4:30pm wakeup call from Verizon techs at the door who want "four to six hours" inside the house. I'm nearly broken down at this point and I explain I do not have the energy to let them in and corral the dogs. Can they just leave the boxes for me to plug in? No. They have to install stuff in the basement and blah and blah and blah and I just ask if they can reschedule. I explain I'm on chemo and I'm dead right now and I just don't have four to six hours of anything to give them... and that four to six hours should be scheduled to END within their ridiculous 8am to 5pm window. They say they'll come back tomorrow (today) but we've got another email scheduling us for install on the 30th.

A month and a half? That's how long it's going to take from order to actual service?

I've had it at this point and I collapse back in bed and just cry for half an hour. The dogs don't know what's wrong with me and I feel like crap. Meanwhile, I've left a burner on down in the kitchen, thankfully without a pot on top of it. Jody gets home, finds this, and I just cry even more. Now I'm afraid I won't be able to cook for myself if I'm home alone. I'm losing my mind. :'(


Jolene said...

Hugs John.
It is called "chemo brain", you are not losing your mind. Your body and soul are going through hell right now. Take one day at a time and you will get there.
Next time you get your port accessed ask for a needle and kit to take with you so you will always have one just in case that happens again.
I am home and live really close; if you need food, you don't have to call, just shoot me an email and I will make you something if you are too tired.

Roger said...


After reading this, I'm really sorry I woke you up yesterday afternoon. Keep fighting, and you'll get through this.

laura said...


It's ok that things aren't super-easy. Life has a way of turning unexpectedly when you really feel you just can't deal with it.

Take Jolene up on the food offer when you are feeling too worn out, and try to stay as positive as you can.

And don't be so hard on yourself, you are sick, and if you can't be a little off your game when you are sick, when can you?

Steven said...

Again, I'm only a few minutes away. Shoot me an email or give me a call if you need ANYTHING. Car help, food, whatever. Don't be afraid of being intrusive or anything of the sort.


Sammyl69 said...

Thinking about you John everyday!


Beth said...


It's OK to be human and to vent too. The chemicals running through your body are bound to effect you in many different ways and at various times and intensities. Know that we are praying. You can call us and vent anytime too. I'm a good listener!


Amie said...

The good thing about dogs is that they don't NEED to understand what's going on and why you're upset to still love you with all their little doggy hearts. Talk to them when you get this way - you don't have to use the right noun, or full sentences, or grammar, or anything. You can be drowning in chemo brain, you'll get it off your chest, and they'll just love you.

And if you don't take Jolene up on her offer, I will (do you think she'd notice?)

Scattered Gemini said...

Even people who aren't on chemo, leave burners on from time to time. :::innocent look:::

Don't be so hard on yourself.

That order to service time is insane!

GingerPyeJackson said...

{{{{Sco}}}} just a little hug from the big apple. Just think how bright and clear life will be next September.

Nittany Knits said...

I've learned that microwave cooking is the only way to go while on the drugs! I left a burner on rice pudding and forgot about it this weeknd. Why I was even making rice pudding... I have no idea.

The Mr. Tire on Rt. 40 has fleeced me for brakes. Con artists!

Can't wait to see a great Star War Lego battle some time soon!